Four calling birds, three french hens, two turtedoves and one Miracle Ear to address my hearing loss

Well bless their hearts if my daughter and her friend Trinity aren't just the SWEETEST, CUTEST, Most darling children the world has ever seen who CANNOT SING A LICK I don't know who is.

I'm not saying they CAN'T sing exactly. I am saying they are choosing to sing LOUDLY and distinctly OFF-KEY to the utter hilarity of all. There are geese and Lords and something with milking but none of it goes together all that well at the time.

Still, it's quite sweet music actually and I wouldn't change their tune for the world.

Rock on girls. You and your partridge and the pear tree too.

The gift that keeps on giving

The gift that keeps on giving a life of loneliness and bachelorhood, maybe.

This season's Public Service Announcement suggesting that a truly thoughtful gift for one’s wife, daughter, sister, or mother might be that the man schedule her gynecological visit seems a bit too much like some sort of planned mass male homicide to really be taken seriously.

Nonetheless somewhere out there SOME poor guy fell for it. Let us all take a moment and pray for him.



Lest anyone feel slighted. They have one for Hannukah too.

Photographs and Memories

Okay, so, I receive compliments on my photographs and every single time I'm so flattered I could just cry. Truly. My "gear" is a Sony Cybershot P&S camera (stands for "point and shoot" not "piece of sh#$" but with the way some point and shoots take photos the confusion is easily understood). Most people when they say "gear" will follow it with a lot of talk about really pricey camera like Nikon D-whatevers and Canon Rebels. I, of course, want one of those so bad I could just sob quietly to myself every time one of my children streaks down a soccer field like greased lighting and all I have to show for it is a blur because point and shoot cameras can't DO telephoto sports action. The best you get is a shot of yourself and your sad little face because you missed the shot YET AGAIN. Still, there is something to be said for a camera that doesn't require it's own insurance policy and make you question if you would save our spouse or camera and in which order if only one could be pushed from the path of a speeding bus (just kidding honey, I would totally save YOU because otherwise I would have to take photos of MYSELF loading the woodburner and such and that would be No Fun At All). There is also something to be said for a camera that fits in your purse or pocket. Never will I be that photog who, turning left, takes out the three people seated to my left because my long-lens got in the way.

Still there comes the inevitable "what camera do yo use?" comments because some people, inexplicably, like my photos. To this I answer that I use a Sony Cybershot DSC-W150. There are many fine point and shoot cameras on the market but for my money, the Sony's are the way to go. A dear friend was a professional for years, routinely used cameras that cost more than my first, second, and sometimes third car (combined!) and Sony Cybershots are her "pocket camera" choice. Good enough for me right?

My only two words of advice for ANY model of point and shoot manufactured by virtually anyone is 1) turn off your red-eye reduction. Do it now. I'll wait. Yes, I know, it seems like an AWESOME feature but that red eye reduction is probably responsible for every frustrated "aarraggh!" of shutter lag I've ever heard. If you point your point and shoot camera at a subject you understandably expect it to "shoot" the photo when you push the button. If it doesn't, but instead does this annoying little pause where it first seems to flash and THEN, finally, when your toddler/dog/other has wandered out of the frame grabs a quick shot of their retreating back (or butt) you can thank your red eye reduction. It stopped the shot to "flash" a quick pre-flash at your subject's eyes so that the retina would restrict or what have you. THEN it took the picture. I like to think of red eye reduction as the "no eye reduction." So named because if you use it, most of the time you won't see eyes at all. Just grimaces of pain and/or retreating rears.

Then, turn off your digital zoom. Yes, I know, again it seems AWESOME but what it will probably get you is lots of cool shots of pure fuzz. As your camera moves in on a subject with digital zoom you will likely end up with a photo so pixelated (broken up into little dots and squares) that it will be useless to you as anything less than weird modern art that nobody understands. Hardly your goal when photographing your six year old's soccer game. Stick with optical (ie real) zoom and turn your digital zoom off. Sorry I can't tell you how to do that for every model manufactured. You are going to have to crack open that little book that came with your camera and read up. Or, alternately, just start poking buttons and see if you hit upon something in the "menu" area that fits the bill.

Finally, whenever possible shoot with your flash OFF. Yes, I know. I blaspheme. Seriously, the most flattering light is "real" light and if you have any - even candlight - try it sometime. The key is to invest in a lightweight tripod, learn to balance yourself perfect taking not even a breath as you depress the shutter button, or, set the camera on a steady surface and use the timer (when available) to snap a shake-free shot.

The beauty of digital is you can delete your mistakes and no one's the wiser (or out any money). Still, if you experiment with what a birthday cake or Christmas lights look like when you photograph the actual glow rather than a harsh burst of bright flash glare - you might be pleasantly surprised at what an awesome photographer you are almost without even trying!

The final key to certain success that will have friends and family asking "how do you do that?" is to take too many photos. Seriously. I will take 300 shots to get the 30 or so "great ones" that might actually see the light of day. Of those 30 exactly 3 will be true "masterpieces." So just so we are all clear, in pursuit of the "perfect photo" I will, in fact, abuse my family.

My children have been photographed so much they think they're being followed by the Paparazzi. Worse, at an early age my son was so adept at dodging the roving photographer also known as mom that he would fling his arm, coat, baby sister, in front of his face to shield himself from the camera's prying eye and unrepentant glare. He was kind of like our own, pint-sized Sean Penn.

Finally, I need Photoshop. You need Photoshop. We all really need Photoshop. Life is just prettier with Photoshop. It allows you to tweak a photo. Remove blur. Punch up the color (or tone down the zit). Virtually every published photograph you see has probably been run through some sort of photo editing program and Photoshop is the granddaddy of them all. I use Photoshop Elements because it does everything a non-pro photographer would want and the price tag doesn't require my selling a kidney.

Granted, it's a fine line between slightly punching up a shot so the photograph better resembles reality and turning your elderly Aunt Pearl into a virtual clone of supermodel Heidi Klume. Our goal is to enhance photographs so they better match reality - not fabricate reality into a wholesale lie.

Example: Below I have taken a SOOC (straight out of the camera) shot (1st photo) and punched up the color and sharpened the image in PSE (2nd photo). The entire process took maybe a minute and, if I do say so myself, was very much worth it. In Photo #2 at the right my creepy old santa head full of candy canes just SHINES. In photo one you just really don't get how maniacal that little dude really IS.




It's beginning to look a lot like ...

It's beginning to look a lot like once again I am all in a quandary because I always seem to have an IMBALANCE of gifts for the kids. One year it's so easy to buy for, say, Kassie it's laughable, while I have no good ideas for Matthew. Another year the situation reverses itself. This year is Kassie's year and I'm wracking my brain trying to come up with fresh, interesting ideas for Matthew beyond games of the video variety. I'm not AGAINST video games, mind you, I just hate for all his gifts to fit neatly in the palm of his hand. If only they made big honkin' HUGE video games. Something I could wrap for a real present PRESENCE under the tree.

As it is Mike suggested a "drip bag" for Matthew's newfound love of hunting. Because nothing say's "Season's Greetings Son!" like a bagful of deer pee under the tree.